Don't Feed the Fear

An old woman was teaching her grandchildren about life.

She said to them, “A fight is going on inside me… it is a terrible fight between two wolves.

One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, hatefulness, and lies.

The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, humbleness, kindness, friendship, generosity, faith, and truth.

This same fight is going on inside of you, and inside every other person, too.”

The children thought about it for a minute. Then one child asked her,

“Which wolf will win?”

The old woman replied…

“The one you feed.”

Hugs

Sometimes when you cry you just want someone there to hug you and tell you everything is going to be alright. This is the only time I wish I had a mom around. Not even on Mothers day do I miss her, but some how several days later I find myself crying alone in my room over problems I have. That is when I find myself wanting my mommie. What a simple thing it is; even child like to want your mom. I can picture a little kid crying over a scrapped knee and mom running over to comfort them. Tell them it'll be okay. Kiss the scratch and make it all better. Where is the picture of the mom helping the grown child with their scratches? Are you ever too old to need your mothers help?

I think we all just want to be wanted.

I have found the love of my life....MYSELF. I have written plenty of times about how someone has pissed me off, made me cry, or has screwed me over. Done and Done. I keep realizing I should be the only one effecting my mood. Easier said then done.

2012 has been a huge growing year for me. I'm finally taking hold of my life and getting up the nerve to actually make life plans. Even if some of them are silly like a llama farm or creating a clothing line for homeless people. At least I'm trying to follow through with stuff.

I'm finding some control over myself and over my life. I think I might finally be finding reason in my life.

FINDING MY WAY..... ONE STEP AT A TIME.

Words of Wisdom

"There are lots of ways that people try to, I dunno like, escape their minds right. Like get intoxicated and some people ya know use drugs, some people use alcohol. But there is also Spiritual intoxication, like God intoxication. That never goes away, its more rich and more beautiful than any other out of thinking experience and its a different kind of wine. This is a song about trying to get drunk off that wine. " -Trevor Hall

"I might have been born just plain white trash; But Fancy was my name"

Tiffany and I got our "Fancy" tattoos yesterday. I was so excited to get them together knowing how much that word and the song by Reba Mcentire means to us. Both Tiffany and I grew up in simular family homes, so I think that is really why we bonded so fast. I'm so grateful to have her in my life. She is one of the most beautiful and strong woman I know. I can only hope and dream that our friendship will last forever.

Letters from Erin

Erin is in the Air Force now. I miss her so very much. I got her second letter the other day. It's wonderful to hear from her and to have someone to write. No one writes letters anymore; it's sad.

What a lot we lost when we stopped writing letters. You can't reread a phone call. ~Liz Carpenter.

Release

Apparently I'm horrible at keeping up with writing. Meh. Over the last couple months the depression has gotten worse. I've been going in and out of these happy/sad phases. I don't like it one bit. I'm signed up to do a medical study on depression, so I'm hoping that will give me some insight on my problems. It'll just be nice to be able to talk to a therapist. It's hard waking up in the morning and not wanting to start the day. I truly hate that feeling, so hopefully that changes soon. I think it will; I've started to let go of some people that I feel don't give me anything. I only need up lifting healthy people in my life especially while I'm so vulnerable. After six months of trying to get him to commit it has ended on terms I don't like. We haven't spoken in a week after he told me he was stressed and depressed and couldn't handle stuff right now. This is right after I told him I loved him. How do I let myself date guys like this. Every tells me I deserve more and I know that's the case, but how do I keep letting shitty guys hold me up. I found out a week or so ago that Jonah is in fact in jail. I miss that bugger; very much. Can't wait for him to be released and I can't wait to be released from the hold certain people have on me.