I have found the love of my life....MYSELF. I have written plenty of times about how someone has pissed me off, made me cry, or has screwed me over. Done and Done. I keep realizing I should be the only one effecting my mood. Easier said then done.

2012 has been a huge growing year for me. I'm finally taking hold of my life and getting up the nerve to actually make life plans. Even if some of them are silly like a llama farm or creating a clothing line for homeless people. At least I'm trying to follow through with stuff.

I'm finding some control over myself and over my life. I think I might finally be finding reason in my life.

FINDING MY WAY..... ONE STEP AT A TIME.

Words of Wisdom

"There are lots of ways that people try to, I dunno like, escape their minds right. Like get intoxicated and some people ya know use drugs, some people use alcohol. But there is also Spiritual intoxication, like God intoxication. That never goes away, its more rich and more beautiful than any other out of thinking experience and its a different kind of wine. This is a song about trying to get drunk off that wine. " -Trevor Hall

"I might have been born just plain white trash; But Fancy was my name"

Tiffany and I got our "Fancy" tattoos yesterday. I was so excited to get them together knowing how much that word and the song by Reba Mcentire means to us. Both Tiffany and I grew up in simular family homes, so I think that is really why we bonded so fast. I'm so grateful to have her in my life. She is one of the most beautiful and strong woman I know. I can only hope and dream that our friendship will last forever.

Letters from Erin

Erin is in the Air Force now. I miss her so very much. I got her second letter the other day. It's wonderful to hear from her and to have someone to write. No one writes letters anymore; it's sad.

What a lot we lost when we stopped writing letters. You can't reread a phone call. ~Liz Carpenter.

Release

Apparently I'm horrible at keeping up with writing. Meh. Over the last couple months the depression has gotten worse. I've been going in and out of these happy/sad phases. I don't like it one bit. I'm signed up to do a medical study on depression, so I'm hoping that will give me some insight on my problems. It'll just be nice to be able to talk to a therapist. It's hard waking up in the morning and not wanting to start the day. I truly hate that feeling, so hopefully that changes soon. I think it will; I've started to let go of some people that I feel don't give me anything. I only need up lifting healthy people in my life especially while I'm so vulnerable. After six months of trying to get him to commit it has ended on terms I don't like. We haven't spoken in a week after he told me he was stressed and depressed and couldn't handle stuff right now. This is right after I told him I loved him. How do I let myself date guys like this. Every tells me I deserve more and I know that's the case, but how do I keep letting shitty guys hold me up. I found out a week or so ago that Jonah is in fact in jail. I miss that bugger; very much. Can't wait for him to be released and I can't wait to be released from the hold certain people have on me.

Be a Better Person

Yesterday I started listening to this amazing musician; Trevor Hall. I think he has changed my life. Seriously I have never been so inspired to be a better person. His lyrics are amazing and so up lifting. They just make me feel so happy. I'm continuously struggling to be always be happy. In the last couple months it has gotten a lot better thanks to decreasing a lot of my stress. I'm even started to be a lot less angry; that's always nice. After the shit storm happened in January I've finally getting back to normal. He even finally apologized. It was a weak excuse, but better than nothing. Wants to be friends with me. Still don't know how I feel about that. I think it's finally time to start working on my New Year resolustion. I need to start saving money; especially once I get a job. I've been working out more and that gives me much more energy. I also spent all day yesterday organizing the house. It' looks awesome. I need to be cleaner and more organized. Need to have less stuff and live a simpler life. I have been really good about not drinking as much. I'm really proud of myself for recognizing I could possibly have a problem in the future and nicking it in the butt. Sasha has decided to bite in one spot so much that now there is a huge wound. It's so gross looking.

"Love all serve all and create no sorrow"

Humbug

Seriously yesterday was one of the worst days I've had in awhile. I got super lost up North, hit a car with my bike, and it just got worse. Decided to turn my phone off for like 3 hours, turn it on to see people texting me freaking out that I wasn't answering them. Also someone has decided to talk shit about me at my old job. Really are you that sad about your life that you feel the need to talk shit about stuff you don't even know about. Please get over yourself. The night ended with an argument and some booze. Can't complain about the booze part :) I'm just over a lot of stuff and people. I've been trying to meet new people and trying not to do the same shit all the time. I'm sick of downtown and the people that hang out there. I'm just done with the bull shit and anyone that gives me any shit I'm just going to wash my hands of them. Simple life motto.